Posts in the ‘Funny Stories & Memories’ Category

Unscarred

Newquay 94.

Classic times. Coming of age holiday on a shoestring. Blind Melon on the stereo. Tents pitched at Sandry’s. Tattoos. Piercings. Scrumpy. Grunge nights. And a fair bit of sunshine! In fact, one of these sunny days, after dyeing his hair red, Chris decides he is going to attempt to emulate a negative of Phil Anselmo’s famous “UNSCARRED” tattoo on his own midriff using sunblock and sunburn. Or maybe it was permanent marker, can’t quite remember. We are all fully supportive of this quest, and watch intently as he starts writing it across his body… U, N,(swig of cider) S, (Cig Break), A “awww shit I missed out the C!!! HAHAHAHHAHA, Oh well…” and on he went, changing the word to UNSACRILIGIOUS instead, which was so long it ended up going halfway round the left side of his back! Much to our amusement.


Later we went into town for real tattoos. Chris did not enjoy his in the slightest and spent the duration of the inking grimacing, contorting his lips, threatening to walk away and repeatedly asking Steve when he was gonna finish. Afterwards, he swore never to have another tattoo. Here’s a worried before pic…..

Welcome to Fore Street

I remember Daz and I travelling to that flat in a clapped out mark 2 escort with a broken axel and  Crate of McEwans Export.  Daz ate a triple whopper from Burger King  in 2 bites when we stopped off at the motorway services, i have never seen anything like it before!

As these were before the days of mobile phones, we could not inform Murph when we were arriving.  We pulled up in Fore Street in the early evening to find Murph hanging out of the front room window shouting obsenities and throwing various items from his living room at us (well, at Daz anyway!)   

 

Charming.

 

 

We could write a book about this place….

Sarah sent this picture through the other day, of Murph’s old flat above fat willy’s in Newquay. I think we’ve all got a few stories to tell about that place and what went on in it…

murphs-newquay-flat

Collapsing table of beer…

Many of us will remember Murph’s 21st in his mum and dad’s garden with all his mates and family.

Tony had set up a ‘wallpaper pasting table’ to handle the booze that the family provided and people brought. That turned out to be a misjudgement!

The table promptly collapsed under the weight and there was a rescue mission to save the booze!

Tony got told to go bed after a few too many wines, got red wine on his white top, and was asking everyone if they wanted a blow on his digeridoo!

We all had a great time! I can still remember the fun we had.

Happy days…

Major and Minor……..

Me and Our Kid used to be back and to to Cornwall like a fiddlers elbow. I do remember once getting the coach down to come and see him (when he lived in the flat above Fat Willys on Fore Street Newquay…I think a few people may have some good memories of that place…more posts to follow!) When I arrived on the doorstep, Our Christopher asked me if the bus had passed through St. Columb Major. I said that it had, and he gave me a cheeky laugh and replied “Only in Cornwall would you get places named after musical notation…St. Columb Major and St. Columb Minor…..” I know he knew the difference but everything was about the choons back then. We then proceeded to get mashed and laugh at the people staggering out of Sailors across the Road.( How many times did I do that?) Next day he was set to go to work in the Headland Hotel as a KP. I, being the “sensible” one told him to set his alarm as I didn’t want to be blamed for the reason he was not going into work that day. He replied that there was no need as the arcade across the road opened at ten am, and the noise emmanating from the machines was enough to make anyone get up and outa bed. Needless to say we didn’t get up and continued the session in the Vic Bars at Noon. Those were the days.

Salmonella – Near Miss

When we lived in Scarborough Chris and a few others come up to see us.

After a fun night drinking we went to the local Mongolian buffet restaurant the next day, where you chose you own raw ingredients, put them in a bowl, add a bit of sauce and spice to your liking, then take it to the cooking area for the chefs to cook it in a wok for you (£3.99 all you can eat).

I don’t know why Chris thought we were all queuing up with our bowls but he must have been hungry and decided to bypass the unnecessary queue and went and sat down with his ‘meal’.

Just a second before tucking in to his meal a Chinese waiter ran over saying “scuse me, scuse me” to stop him eating the raw chicken (amongst other raw delights).

He got told of his mistake by the waiter and a red-faced Chris joined the back of the ‘cooking’ queue behind Jen, saying “Don’t f’in say anything”!

Classic.

One Hundred and Fowwwtttyyyyy

I think most of us grew up watching Bullseye on a Sunday afternoon.

These days whenever I see darts on TV it always reminds me of Chris shouting ‘One Hundred and Fowwtttyyyy’ in his best cockney accent. That would be shortly followed by his sound clips from Bullseye such as ‘iiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn one’.

Few clips below;

bully’s moo

bullseye theme

Bully’s Prize Board…

A few funny clips from Bullseye…

THE SHED and An IMPROMPTU GIG

The “Garden Shed” was my refuge as a teenager. As My little bro’s  so called clean cut sister, I would pop out to see how the “game of cards” was progressing on a regular basis. Once when the folks were on their hols, my nan was posted on guard to make sure that we didn’t get into trouble while the folks were away. We would sit in that shed for hours getting up to no good while she intermittently knocked on the door to say that she “didn’t like the smell of the candles” we were burning in my Grandad’s shed.

And Yes Matty Mac, I do remember getting off the bus from College to see you n our kid performing the latest musical creations on our kitchen roof extension. How we all laughed at the incessant ringing of the phone as the next door neighbours and other members of the Grove tried to RING!!!! and tell us to quit the racket. Me mam however soon put a stop to the musical extravaganza when the 586 bus rounded the corner, and as she got off at the end of Harpers Road and saw the display of talent, made haste towards the source of the spectacle that was coming from the rear of our house. I have never seen anyone pack up their gear and scarper (through a bathroom window none the less) at a quicker speed. Those were the days x

Soggy Scottish Power

I used to work with Chris and often we would meet up in town on the same path and jog to work. I was the same as Chris in the sense that we would both sign into our computers with about 30 seconds to spare. We met up one morning in some pretty bad rain with neither of us an umbrella and soggy shoes. As we walked over the causeway the rain started to really belt it down, we jogged as fast as possible and laughed whilst jogging and getting completely soaked though. We arrived at reception on time but unable to go to our desks as we were so wet- Kev- Chris’s boss was not impressed and sent us home to get dry. Even though we looked really stupid we were well chuft to get out of work for half a day, only joking we was really gutted to miss half a day’s work at ‘Scottish Power’ :/

 

R-I-P CHRIS

cant beleive your no longer with us m8 il always remember the days in newquay we had some great times together, like gettin kicked out of the vicbars for turning the jukebox off becuase they put meatloaf on when we was watchin the uk subs lol you robbing the bench from outside the centel and the police making u take it back lol the srooms u laid in ya window for 2 days like a cat so many good memorys i will never forget you my friend xx   my condolences  to all your freinds and family x

Smooth operator

I met Chris for the first time at Jen and Ste’s wedding, how cute did he look in his suit? Towards the end of the night and following lots of drinking and dancing a crowd of us moved to the ‘lounge bar’ having sniffed out a possible late drink. Chris was suitably popped up and grinning like a cheshire cat right at my mum! Oh no had Chris taken a liking to Anne? Yes I’m afraid he had, but would he act upon this? Yes he would. In top flirting mode and puckering up Chris smiled at Anne and said “F*%king alright, you’re alright you monkey’s mam” to which my dad replied “I know that’s why she’s with me”, we all started laughing, Chris continued to grin at Anne, Anne looked chuffed and my dad looked concerned about the bar shutters being down. This didn’t deter Chris in any way as he went in search of a beer, up went the shutters with a crash, bang wollop as the glasses hanging above the bar smashed. We all cheered and Jen raised her glass, a cracked glass!

I’ll always remember Chris and chuckle when I think of that night, Anne remembers him as the cheeky one that tried to kiss her, whilst Frank remembers him as the one that was that drunk he fancied Anne!

God bless mate you’ll always be a legend,

Monkey, Anne & Frank x

 

 

Aint no Pleasin you…

I had one of the greatest days of my life with Chris when we went to see Chas n Dave perform in Liverpool in the Summer pops Festival in 2008.  We caught the train from Central in the morning and got to Lime Street.  Not knowing how heavily policed the station was going to be, I  had some “Items” on my person that the police Sniffer dogs may have cottoned on to, and would have put a swift end to the day. Murph quickly hatched a plan to get me passed without detection and as we approached the exit, Murph swiftly made a bee line for the dog and in a strange wiggle of his arse, distracted the hound and bemused the stone faced officer with a Mick Jagger-esque impersonation.

Straight out of the station and into the nearest offy to pick up 4 cans of Holsten Pils each and we headed down to the various stages with some really good Cream and Roxy Music cover bands.  A few cans and other “items”  well in the system,  the sun beamed down as Chaz Hodges and Dave Peacock owned the whole city centre and replaced the words to “Margate” with “bootle”, much to the crowds delight.

Safe to say, when they ripped into London Girls, one voice in the crowd could be heard above the rest…..

 

Rock n Roll Raindance

Carmel College, 23rd September 1993.  The 1st proper public performance of our band Necropolis BZ.

It was a college band night and the place was buzzing, 200-300 people altogether, mostly students.  The nervous energy was in overdrive.  We had been rehearsing 4 of our own tunes (I think that was probably all we had at the time) and we thought they were AMAZING; surely a record deal and world stardom was just around the corner… err, yeah ok, haha… The naivety of deluded teenage dreams.

The event management (some disorganised students) kept telling us “you’re on next” and then changing their minds and pushing us down the bill, it must have happened at least 4 times and we were getting angry about it because we kept getting psyched up towards going up on stage and then having it pulled out from under us.

As it turned out, we ended up playing right  when the crowd was at its peak in terms of size and energy, and we blasted our way through the first three tunes, at about twice their normal speed and we were loving it.  On the count in to the last song we got told that time was up and we had to get off stage.  Gutted.  I remember looking out into the lights and the crowd, knowing they were loving it (probably not as much as we were) and said “Awww they won’t let us play”… a quick whip round of glances round the band later, it was back on.  No way were they gonna tell us to get off OUR STAGE, “1,2,3,4….” and off we went.

Can’t remember what tune it was, but what I will always remember is halfway through it Chris suddenly had some kind of jazz attack, stopped playing, slung his guitar down on the floor centre stage, and started doing a flailing red indian style war dance round it for a few seconds, with the rest of us watching open mouthed as he then looked up and launched himself off the end of the stage and into the crowd, surfing briefly before going under and out of sight.  Rock & Roll!  We wrapped up the tune without him, and at the end I followed his lead, diving into the crowd who managed to part just in time to let me fall pretty much untouched from 10 feet high onto my arse and back.  Due to the adrenaline rush, I just bounced right up and ran off (limping) to find the boys backstage.  We were buzzing for weeks afterwards.

Somewhere, somebody has a grungy old VHS tape of this gig.  Matt Halliwell or Dazzy T maybe…. Hope it survived!  Would be ace to stick it up on here.

The ‘One-Liner’ Expert

At a party one night there was one bloke being a complete idiot.

Chris was talking to someone and mentioned that this bloke was the biggest @>?* he’d come across in his life.

The bloke he was talking to was also a bit of an idiot and said that the other bloke was his mate.

Within a split second Chris proptly replied “Oh sorry mate, I meant he’s the second biggest @>?* I’ve come across”…

Classic Murph

Ste Chris & Matt Rap

St Oswalds 4th Year juniors. The stutter rap was just out. see link below

www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHmTSNQqU1U

Chris thought it would be a good idea for him me and Ste to do our own version. ” Ste, Chris & Matt’s Rap Station”

Cant remember it all but this was doffo in it

“Ste, Chris & Matt’s Rap station is here and,

Rapping is our claim to fame

But the teachers just think that were a pain

Once you’ve heard this song then dont get bored

Go out and buy the Record”

It seemed to do the trick & get us lots of girl attention at the time.

Chris’s Shed

We all used to hang out in Chris’s shed for Summer. (Like Dawsons Creek – We’ll always have the Summer)

 Chris’s shed was the coolest space to hang because it was all done up with G-N-R posters and JackDaniels – Warrington Rugby posters – When we were the Wire & not the wolves.

Great times hanging around teaching each other guitar licks and pretending we were the Rolling Stones or Guns and Roses.

We once did an impromptu gig on the roof of the kitchen for anyone that happened to be walking past.  We felt like the Beatles playing the roof gig they did – wouldnt have sounded that good but it didnt matter we were having a good laugh.

Russian Hat

The first time I ever met Chris was in ‘The Cask’ in Scarborough. Scarborough being Scarborough was freezing cold as it is in summer or winter. I’d just finished my shift on the buses and was wearing my ‘Equalizer’ coat and my new Russian hat. Chris was there with friends and family and we got talking. He was such an amiable character that I ended up leaving the pub without my new hat. He had a fancy for it so I gave it to him. Don’t know if he wore it around Warrington though. He was such a nice guy and I really mean that. God bless.

The Policeman’s Helmet…

What’s the Black Crowes and a Policeman’s Helmet got in common?

Chris!

Here’s a tune from The Black Crowes who Chris and several mates went to watch in Manchester…

Black Crowes, The – Hard To Handle

Fast forward a few steps and the following morning Chris was showing off his latest addition to his collection…

Manchester Police Hat

A lovely Greater Manchester police Hat!

I wonder if the policeman got told off for losing his hat???

Well in Chris!

 

Bacon for the Bros

 

"Tongs? Nah, I'll be alright."

This rather unremarkable snapshot is from 13 March 2011/Boys night in at Mark & Maria’s old gaff.

Me & Chris drove up together a while after the other boys as we had dad duties to attend to.  Not seeing each other often due to 1 thing & another (mainly as I have been in London for the last 10 years) we had a really good, quiet, sober 1 to 1 catch up on the journey, and for old times sake listened to Amorica by The Black Crowes for the 1st time in years; both of us blown away about actually how good an album it was.  *Confession* we raided Sarah’s room at Murphy towers for this and 1 or 2 other CD’s before we set off.   Which reminds me….

After picking Chris up from his wee cottage, we drove to his Mum & Dad’s to pick up a box of bits, bobs and memorabilia belonging to the original landlords of The Gypsey Tavern, so Chris could hand it all back to Ste.  We popped out to the Murphy shed – which was a real blast from the past, considering that a few of us practically lived there during our late teens.  Out came the box, and he starts sifting through the items showing me stuff, he pulled out a boddingtons bar towel and a mouse jumped up and scared the bejesus out of him.  I nearly wet myself with laughter as he squealed like a girl and said “f*** this, I’m off, you empty the box!”  and disappeared back into the house.  Charming.  So I slowly took everything out piece by piece, no sign of the mouse though.  Anyway, eventually he came out again “done it yet?”, “yeah just about” and then he picked the bottom item out of the box and the mouse jumped right up and out of the box.  Chris jumped twice as high.  Pure comedy.

We got to Mark’s, the lads had already had 1 or 2, Ste Whitt feeling a bit amorous was getting the old frisky wobble in his legs and kept repeatedly kissing me on the dome.  AND I saw Andy awake after midnight for probably the first time this century. Quite remarkable.

Anyway, after a night shooting pool in Marky G’s garage, must have been 2 or 3 O’Clock, Chris decides he’s gonna feed us all with Mark & Maria’s bacon.  That’s him working the grill in the photo.  Someone offered him the tongs after we saw him sharply letting go of each piece of hot bacon whilst trying to turn them with his hands.  But he declined, and to much mirth proceeded to continue dramatically burning his fingers with bubbling bacon juice, muttering complaints to himself until the butties were done.  And much needed they were too.  Nice one Murf 🙂 Bro

You must be an Angel….

I can still see it now, walking back from a Sunday lunch at Paula’s and Clare’s in Redshank I received a text from Mr Murf.

We had all been to Tache night club the night before in Blackpool and from the content of Chris’ text he had not gone home alone.

“u must b an angel because you left your halo on my pillow”

Ah – the joy! Of all the people he could have mistakenly sent a text to he sent it to me… This was going to be fun.

“I’ve told you before, i’m a married woman” I text back.

he quickly replied  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to send that text to you”

“no shit Sherlock… u little devil!”

… Smooth

 

The Snowman

My best memory’s of Chris was playing in ‘The Strewth’ but there was one Saturday night in the Bluebell. We went out after the gig for drinks and on the way home to my caravan Chris Snuck into the Halliwell Jones stadium- we were both going to  run on the pitch for the fun off it. I followed him down some corridors towards but then turned back as was to scared to go on (chicken). Chris wasn’t too scared though and carried on with the mission. while I walked outside and around the main path, i got to a side entrance wondering where he was.  I was just in time to see him walking through the air, well maybe flying through the air, and through the big blue side doors courtesy of 2 angry faced security guards. He landing on the floor in front of me whilst giving the fat heads some abuse. We walked home laughing to meet Tom and when we got there Chris tripped on a guitar lead and fell on top of the Christmas tree, squashing lots of pressies :0 Dont worry though it was only a cheapo tree….. the whole thing bent in half! happy days.

Rude gifts from holidays…

Chris and his family went to Majorca most years from what I remember.

Every year he’d come back with a holiday pressie for me. Every year it was along the same theme… something rude.

To give you an idea here’s one very similar to one I got when I was about 8. Enough to say the barrel goes up and down and there is a spring involved. This one isn’t quite as dirty as the one he got me, which has stuck on grey hair from a rabbit for added effect.

man in a barrel

I received various gifts along the same lines.

Typical murph giggling as he hand it over to me and sees my mums face.

Don’t Touch Me!

You might not know this but Daz and Murf were so intimate they once shared a bed.

When we lived in the caravan instead of splashing out on a B&B Daz and Murf decided to kip with us in our 12ft caravan with portaloo, water from a pump, and curtain for a dividing wall between the living quarters.

We did not get much sleep due to the fact that all night all you could hear was Murf giggling and saying ‘Don’t touch me’ and calling Daz a ‘Puff’.

Just when we thought we had all finally got to sleep he would shout ‘Innnn One!’, ‘One-hundred-and-eighty!’ or ‘and Bullies special prize’!

Me and Ste didn’t get much sleep that night… having said that we did have the champion snorer in the caravan that night as well (that’s Daz not me).

x

 

Ain’t going out like that…..

Its all a bit fuzzy, and a long time ago but my first recollection of Chris was A Necropolis BZ gig at Padgate Studio.  Cool gig too, Big Daz with his Batman Costume, and Andy’s blonde hair bobbing up and down all over the place (probably a little too “refreshed” to realise it wasn’t a Tansads gig).  The Cypress Hill cover, with Chris and Bob as B -real and Senn Dog was hilarious! A while after the gig, we all went to the Barley Mow and I bought Chris (who was about 3 stone wet through at the time) a Guinness, which he proceeded to neck in one go!

Milking it for a ride home

Early on Christmas morning, must’ve been around the late 90’s, walking home after a late night out at the barley mow, Chris n I had made it as far as bruche ave but it must’ve taken about an hour to get this far, given our state of inebriation, this wasn’t too shabby, as most of the walk had been spent crabbing sideways singing songs. At this time on a Christmas morning traffic was a rare sight and when we heard the Whine of an electric motor and the clinking of glass bottles, the both of us knew exactly what to expect coming down the road. However as the milk float passed Us the one thing I didn’t expect to see was Chris burst into life and clamber onto the back of the float and although not the quickest of vehicles, it was more than a match for my drunken attempt at a sprint, left in the wake of the speeding float I could do nothing but watch on as Chris, (bouncing around) on the back of his ride gave me a two fingered salute as the float turned right for home, leaving me with a nice cold walk home and a sense of envy at the quick thinking and bold move that saved him a good half hours walk in the freezing cold.
Typical Murph!!

Achoo…

Whilst on bob’s stag doo in newquay, we were getting ready for a second night out.

Chris was in the men’s room which was next to where all the beds were.

After a night on the guiness the day before he had a lot to shift.

There was no mistaking the noises from the bathroom but in a vain attempt to disguise it chris shouted ‘achoo’ about 1 second too late.

Charming!

The Wrath of Pat… Not so cool afterall!

Chris was incredibly cool when he was 16. He used to fashion himself on Jim Morrison, only where Jim could afford Jack Daniels he could afford Stonehouse. He was the type of renegade that was just to cool to care and no one could tell him what to do…

I remember being stood on the corner near the Video Box in Padgate – between ‘All-Sorts’ and the red phone box with Georgina, when we bumped into Chris who offered us cigarettes. I didn’t smoke but Georgie did so they sparked up and we proceeded to chat. Georgie and Chris were living the life and keeping cool – trying to pretend they didn’t fancy each other and both trying to deny they fancied me when out of nowhere we heard the sound of a bicycle bell and Pat announcing herself loudly.

‘Christopher Murphy!’

Chris immediately shoved his fag into my hand.

‘Christopher Murphy, why are you not in College?!’ Pat certainly looked annoyed.

‘I’m just on my way now’ Chris was cringing but fell straight into line.

‘Were you just smoking? You’d better not have spent that bus money I have just given you!?’

‘They’re smoking not me, i’m just on my way to get the bus now, I didn’t buy them, they’re Georgie’s, not mine’

In actual fact he had spent his bus money and was bumming around until one as let would not let you use your pass between 12pm and 1pm.

When Pat left Chris said ‘I hate that basket’ meaning the ‘Shopper’ basket on Pat’s bike.

That moment defined our relationship from there on in… I knew he wasn’t as cool as he portrayed and he knew that I knew.

I’ll never forget the first time I met Pat and the way she whipped her little boy into line – someone had too!

x

 

 

 

Chris got locked into the Gypsey Tavern after Andy Farted!

Most of us will have experienced the horror of an Andy fart, but this time Andy let rip in the smallest pub known to man – ‘The Gypsey Tavern’…

In no time the pub was emptied apart from the weak and the guilty, leaving Andy and Murph to to choke on the hazardous fumes, barricaded in by the mighty foot of Ann-Marie and a cackling sidekick.

After a futile escape Murph took refuge by sticking his head out of the pub’s frosted window – which was in fact a work of art… I wonder if the window frosting is still in tact or if Murph had to lovingly restore it to it’s former glory for the housing association inspectors?

… Yes I know that’s not how you spell ‘Gypsy’ but I don’t tell you how to spell your pet’s names or the names of your pubs, and it was spelt that way on purpose because it made my cat and the pub exotic.

x Jen

“A Blow, Blow – A Blow Suede Shows”

Several years ago in the Noggin pub, we were having an annual Christmas get together with Chris and all his mates.

Karaoke was on, so after getting ‘loosened up’ Chris decided he was good enough to be Elvis.

He chose Blue Suede shoes to sing, but in his best Elvis voice sung “A Blow, Blow – A Blow Suede Shows…”.

This was funny enough until he started going on his tip toes (sort of like Elvis). This drew attention to his ‘not so blue suede shoes’. In fact they were skanky trainers!

Chris as Elvis